GERIATRIC LAUGHS part 2

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"



She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."





When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."





An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."





A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"





When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run in to the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.

oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.

IF ONLY UNDERSTOOD

One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written:

'Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym'.

In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up. Everyone thought:

'Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!'.

One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.

There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself.

There was also a sign next to the mirror that said: 'There is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU.'

So my dear friends, You are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself.

Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that you are the only one responsible for your life.

'The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself'

Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality.

The world is like a mirror: it gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed.

The world and your reality are like mirrors laying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success.

It's the way you face Life that makes the difference.

From a forwarded e-mail

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'


I AM SENDING THIS TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW
WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.
LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influences the life of a child.

How will you touch the life of someone today? Just by sending this to someone else, you will probably make them at least think about their influence on others. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

From a forwarded e-mail

Could I Be A Grand Canyon?

By Jo Ann Brown

As I sat at the Grand Canyon, we were asked to reflect on what the Grand Canyon said to us. I felt the usual minuteness and the presence and love of God, but I also felt some similarities to my own life. I thought that maybe I could have another perspective. Could I be a Grand Canyon?

The Grand Canyon started out at the bottom of an ocean, even the bottom dwellers were above. I am sure that the angels looked into the canyon and saw only the ocean bottom if they even looked that far. However, God saw the beauty that lay ahead for this bottom of the ocean but it would have to withstand many hardships.

One of the first chapters in the life of the canyon was a volcano. I can compare the volcano to "world rocking" events in my own life. Could the lava be my reactions to those events that changed my world? Could the lava be symbolic to anger, bitterness, and lack of forgiveness?

As I remember, the ranger spoke of the river pushing up against the lava. I see that river as God's love. The river continued to push against the lava until it broke through. Does my lava hold back love? Will I allow God's loving river to break through my lava dam to flow freely?

The water eroded the rocks and made the beautiful crevices in the canyon. Also within the water, there were many stones that caused the ridges in the rock. Could the stones be patience, integrity, honesty, and kindness? Will I allow those stones to permanently etch upon my own life?

Although the stones were small, I am sure it was somewhat "painful" to be etched upon. Will I allow uncomfortable circumstances to etch character into my life? The river brought beauty to the canyon and made it more interesting.

The next step was the meeting of the two earth plates. As I understand it, the two plates met, maybe the lower plate is my selfishness and the higher plate is God's love. The lower plate submitted to the will of the higher plate, which caused the elevation of the canyon. Again, I would imagine that the collision was painful and earth shattering but without the elevation, there would be no Grand Canyon.

The Grand Canyon is such an inspiration to everyone that comes into contact with it. Their lives are permanently changed having been there. Could I be an inspiration to others? The beauty of the canyon lies deep within. They are not mountains that you can readily see from the surface. You can only really appreciate the beauty, as you get closer to the "heart" of the canyon. Isn't it like that with us? Our beauty lies within but you have to be close to our heart to see it.

The ranger also spoke of the river at the base of the canyon. He told us that the settlers originally thought the river to be 6' wide. As they got closer to the river, they saw the enormity. The actual size was closer to 300'. God is that way to me. He is always enormous, but the closer I get, I see it more clearly. When I distance myself, He only appears to be small.

In conclusion, the Grand Canyon changes continuously. When it rains, the weaker rocks or dirt fall off into the river. Do we allow the rain to continually help us to grow and change? Isn't it interesting that the weaker portions fall into the river at the bottom never to be seen again? This continually renews the canyon.

I hope you can see the symbolism in the Grand Canyon and the creation of our lives. Can we be a Grand Canyon if we allow God's love and purpose to rush through and withstand volcanoes of life and stone-life lessons? I pray that as I experience life's lessons that I can be an inspiration to others, and that other's lives will have been enriched by knowing me. I pray that I will continue to grow to be a "grand" person formed with life by the hand of God.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jo Ann Brown is a blessed mom with two great boys, Brian and Danny. I live in Terre Haute, Indiana with my family and two dogs Lucky and Chelsea. Jo Ann can be contacted via email at blessedwtwoboys@yahoo.com

How To Never Be Bored Again

By Kent Sayre

Boredom. First of all, the way it's worded as if boredom is a thing. We don't jump into a puddle of boredom and then end up bored for the rest of the day. Boredom isn't a thing. Boredom is a process. You may not like what I'm about to say next, especially if you're often bored. Here goes anyway.

If you're ever bored, it's because you're boring yourself. Boredom doesn't occur externally. It's an internal state of mind that is labeled by a person as "boredom". The thing is that we have complete control over our minds. We're running the show. So if we experience boredom, we're the ones who steered ourselves down that path. If you catch yourself boring yourself, remind yourself that it's you doing it. "Hey, I'm boring myself. I better activate my mind and think about something else to create a different emotional state." You have between your ears the greatest supercomputer ever created. May as well use it, especially if you find yourself bored. That's how to "cure" boredom from the inside-out.

But wait, there's more! Here's another method to cure boredom from the outside in. Much of what we do throughout the day is so habitual that we often go on auto-pilot. We do things automatically without consciously thinking about them. This is nice for simplicity and making our lives easier. However, the brain likes novelty. It likes new and different experiences. Therefore, begin to do things differently.

What I'm suggesting is to begin to do things differently. Upload a new program to your mind computer whose main task is to "Do something differently." Did you drive the same way to work? Drive a different way. Did you brush your teeth in the exact same way today? I'm betting you did. Try something different. The other hand. Did you eat the same food at the same restaurant? I do this all the time. Try something completely new! Trying new things stimulates our brains and allows us to experience different things. It revitalizes us and gets us fired up about life.

I estimate that 90% or more of what we do throughout the day is purely habitual. That's why it's so important to have good habits but that's a whole other article entirely. Track yourself to find out for sure. Monitor yourself as you go throughout your day. Are you doing the same thing over and over? Try something else out. Doing different things will yield you different experiences and thoughts. And that's the way to fend off boredom from the outside-in.

In this article, you've acquired two new skills for how to defeat boredom forever. Taking charge of your mind from the inside-out is one. Consciously doing things differently from the outside-in is the other. Enjoy! I'm off to lunch. I was going to go to the same place I always go and order the same thing but after writing this article, I'm trying something new!

Kent Sayre is author of the bestselling book "Unstoppable Confidence" endorsed by such celebrity authors as Brian Tracy, Robert Allen, and Jim Rohn.

THANKS TO MY E-MAIL BUDDIES

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to who ever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, and rust from cars, too.

I also no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they may be actually from Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A former Nazi scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!

Good bye,

Your anonymous friend

From a forwarded e-mail

Successful People

Successful people have one obvious trait in common: personal discipline. They are willing to do things that average people are unwilling to do.

It’s my observation that successful people express their self-discipline in six ways:

· Successful people master their moods – They live by their commitments, not their emotions. They do the right thing, even when they don’t feel like it. “A person without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls” (Proverbs 25:28 NLT).

· Successful people watch their words – They put their minds in gear before opening their mouths: “Those who control their tongue will have a long life ….” (Proverbs 13:3 NLT).

· Successful people restrain their reactions – How much can you take before you lose your cool? “People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs” (Proverbs 19:11 NLT).

· Successful people stick to their schedule – If you don’t determine how you will spend your time, you can be sure that others will decide for you! “So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days” (Ephesians 5:15-16, NLT).

· Successful people manage their money – They learn to live on less than what they make, and they invest the difference. The value of a budget is that it tells your money where you want it to go rather than wondering where it went: “The wise have wealth and luxury, but fools spend whatever they get” (Proverbs 21:20 NLT).

· Successful people maintain their health – That way they can accomplish more and enjoy their achievements: “… control your body and live in holiness and honor” (1 Thessalonians 4:4 NLT).

Now, where do you need to develop self-control?

The disciplines you establish today will determine your success tomorrow. But it takes more than just willpower for lasting self-control. It takes a power greater than yourself. Think about this promise from the Bible: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7 NLT).

The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

From a forwarded e-mail

INTERESTING STUFF:

* In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have “the rule of the thumb.”

* Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only… Ladies forbidden…” and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

* The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

* Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

* The average number of people airborne over the US in any given hour: 61,000.

GERIATRIC LAUGHS

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
_____________________________________________________________

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
_____________________________________________________________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen . The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
_____________________________________________________________

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dress Ed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
_____________________________________________________________

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
_____________________________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
_____________________________________________________________

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
_____________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
_____________________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
_____________________________________________________________

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."


From a forwarded e-mail

My Most Beautiful Diamonds

By Larisee Lynn Stevens

My most touching Mother's Day gift still graces my jewelry box forty years later. I keep it to remind me of all things love is and how much neglect it will endure. When my son gave it to me I was working full time, and "swimming hard" to keep up with church activities, school activities and sports, my civic interests, housework and family meals. "I am woman, hear me roar," was more reality than a line from a song! I was over worked, over stretched, over stressed and just plain grouchy. It didn't help that he was a handful to raise. He wasn't mean or malicious, but he was active, bright and very curious. Trouble just seemed to find him and it seemed most of what came out of my mouth was fussing at him for having done or not done something. I hugged him often and I told him I loved him every day as he left for school, but those words were very few compared to the nagging and exasperated ones I uttered. My constant prayer was, "Lord, just get us through this day with a minimum of trouble and criticism." I kept him on a very short leash because I never knew what he would think to do next.

One Saturday when he was nine, he wanted to go "garage sale-ing". I took him to a couple but he insisted I wait in the car. It was hot and I had things to do. I soon informed him I didn't have time for this nonsense, as he wasn't buying anything. I kept asking him what he was looking for and he kept answering he couldn't tell me. Because "I was the mama" and could, I refused to go to any other sales; he looked crestfallen but didn't argue.

Later, I discovered he and his bike were gone. I was livid. When he came home, I sent him straight to his room for the evening not asking where he had gone or why. I just yelled at him to go to his room and stay there.

The next day was Mother's Day. I am an early riser, 5 a.m. being my usual awaking time. He knew I would head for my rocking chair and my Bible. Lying on top of my Bible were two tops off milk jugs pushed together to form a round "box" of sorts with a ribbon wrapped around it. He had taken an ice pick (I had yelled him at earlier in the week when I found it in his room) and poked a design in one of the tops. Attached to the "box" was a handmade gift card that read is his childish scrawl, "These diamonds are for my mother."

He had left the yard to continue his garage sale hunt for rhinestone jewelry, which he thought were diamonds. Having found an old pair of earrings that had some of the stones missing, he pried the stones out of the settings and into his homemade gift box.

Oh what a lesson on love - on loving the unlovable me! I didn't get my Bible read that morning. I cried too hard. I earnestly prayed for forgiveness for my harsh words and actions and for help to be a better mother. And those "diamonds" have helped me to remember all these years what is really important in life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Larisee Lynn Stevens lives in Amarillo, Texas. She is a grandmother who loves to write, teach the Bible, and sew special items for her grandkids. You can read more of her stories in Making the Blue Plate Special by Florence Littauer, Lauren Littauer-Briggs, and Marita Littauer. Lairsee can be reached at mariahsplace@sbcglobal.net

MOTHER

This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece please
read this at a slow pace, digesting every word and in
leisure...do not hurry....this is a treasure...

For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom,
this is beautiful. For those of us who aren't, this is
even more beautiful. For those who are moms, you'll love this.


The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is
this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard.
And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But
the end will be better than the beginning."


But the young mother was happy, and she would not
believe that anything could be better than these years. So she
played with her children, and gathered flowers for
them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and
the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."


Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was
dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother
drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said,
"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."


And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and
the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.
But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."
So the children climbed, and when they reached the top
they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."


And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up
at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my
children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage.
Today, I 've given them strength."


And the next day came strange clouds which darkened
the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped
and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.
" And the children looked and saw above the clouds
an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the
darkness. And that night the Mother said,
"This is the best day of all, for
I have shown my children God."


And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and
the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.
But her children were tall and strong, and walked with
courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,
for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill,
and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And
mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end
is better than the beginning, for my children can
walk alone, and their children after them."


And the children said, "You will always walk with us,
Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates
closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her
but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She
is a living presence......."


Your Mother is always with you.... She's the whisper
of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand
on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives
inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from, your first home; and
she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love
and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can
separate you.

Not time, not space... not even death!

From a forwarded e-mail

A Repost: Not Just a Mom

This is a repost from Friday, January 25, 2008. A tribute to all the mothers out there. Happy Mother's day.

Not Just a Mom

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a..."Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood...What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

~ Author Unknown

Don't forget the Research Associate in your life.

The Power of Belief

Belief in our ability to succeed is one of the most vital attributes necessary for us to cultivate in order for us to succeed. Belief is the 'I can win' attitude that generates the enthusiasm, power, skill and energy needed to achieve our goals. As you study top achievers you will realise that they are just ordinary people who have developed great belief in themselves. They have adapted their minds to allow themselves to believe that they can achieve anything, and have then acted upon this belief. When you believe that you' can do' something the mind automatically develops and triggers the ways and means necessary to show you 'how to'! Alternatively, if you believe you can't do something your mind will provide you with reasons why you can't.

In addition, to succeed on a major scale we have to dismiss the false beliefs of the past. We have to believe that we control whatever happens in our life and that we can make a difference to our world. Look at it this way, belief is like a thermostat that regulates just what we accomplish in life. If you study the individual who is living a life of mediocrity, he believes he is worth little, so he receives little. He believes he can't do things and he doesn't. As time passes, the lack of belief in himself shows in the way he walks, talks and acts and since others see in us what we see in ourselves, he grows smaller in the estimation of the people around him. Quite simply he needs to adjust his thermostat regulator. He needs to see himself as successful and believe he is worth more and he will receive more.

You are a product of your thoughts. Believe, really believe you can succeed and you will. As David Schwartz in his book 'The Magic of Thinking Big' said, "Over the years I have spoken to many people who have failed in business ventures and in various careers. A lot of reasons and excuses for failure have been given. Something especially significant unfolds as you talk with a failure. In a casual sort of way the failure drops a remark like 'to tell the truth, I didn't think it would work' or 'I had my misgivings, before I even started out' or 'actually I wasn't too surprised that it didn't work out'. The 'okay- I'll-give- it-a-try-but- I-don't-think-it-will-work' attitude produces failures."

Disbelief is negative power. When the mind disbelieves or doubts, the mind attracts 'reasons' to support the disbelief. Doubt, disbelief, the subconscious 'will to fail' and the 'not really wanting to succeed' attitudes are responsible for most failures.

Think doubt and fail - think victory and succeed! Our beliefs about what we are and what we can be, precisely determine what we will be. We have to keep telling ourselves that we can succeed and keep visualising ourselves achieving success. If we tell ourselves something often enough then we will eventually believe it, never lose faith. So believe in yourself, believe in your ability to succeed. Remind yourself of the times when you have succeeded in the past no matter how insignificant the triumph, concentrate on your successes and forget your failures.

Believe you can succeed, take the action that is necessary and you will WIN!

Here's how to develop the power of belief:

1. Think success, don't think failure. In everything that you do substitute failure thinking with success thinking. When you are faced with a difficult situation think "I will win" not "I will lose". When faced with an opportunity think "I can do it" and not "I can't". When you compete with others, think "I'm equal to the best" not "I'm outclassed". Take charge of your thinking by instilling "I will succeed" thoughts. Use affirmations; they work.

2. Remind yourself constantly that you are better than you think you are! Remember that successful individuals are just ordinary people who have developed belief in themselves and what they can do - you can do it too!

3. Believe in big goals and attainments. The size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success.

If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you can't!

From the 'Inspiring Life' newsletter, edited by Paul Armson.

Just for Laughs: I Love this Doctor !!!

I found a new doctor, and asked him the following questions during my last visit. Here were his answers:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field
grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . .
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Anonymous Author

From a forwarded e-mail.

The Two Most Important Words to Your Development

By Kent Sayre,
Author of "Unstoppable Confidence"

In this article, I'm going to explain to you the two most important words to your development. Your development means achieving your goals and developing yourself in all areas of your life. You will benefit from these words by integrating them into your vocabulary and applying them.

"START"
The first word is "start". To reach the end, you have to have a beginning. Start things up. Let me tell you something you probably already know but maybe hadn't thought about really consciously until now. There is no perfect time to start something. Many people describe their goals as "When I...X" or "When X happens" where "X" is the condition they're waiting on and will continue to wait on.

Just get up and running. If you want to do something well, it's worth doing badly at first. It's the way we all learn. My philosophy is to just start up and go for it. When I take one step, the next step will be revealed to me. Sure, I may not know what the heck I'm doing and yet I believe in myself enough to figure it out. If I don't know what to do, I have the second most important word to lean on, which I'll describe later in this article. Just take one step. Promise yourself to take one small action every day.

Again, there won't be any perfect time. Shoot, I can wait years for the stars to align, for the ocean tide to be high, for my astrological sign to be aligned with the moons of Jupiter and so on and so forth until I get the right "sign" to begin. But meanwhile, I'm burning up my most precious commodity; my time.

When you burn up your time, it's like you're taking the present that the Universe/God/The Great Spirit is giving you and slapping it away. And you can never get it back. My point is to just start doing something. Do it badly if you must and just say, "Hey, I'm going to find out some of the ways this won't work and when I run out of ways it won't work, I'm going to succeed." It's true. Run out of ways NOT to succeed and you're bound for success.

Think about something you do incredibly well now. This could be at your job, at home, with your hobby, with your family, or in sports. At some point in your past, you probably weren't as good as you are now, are you? You may have even been downright rotten. What happened? You kept at it and you got better and now you're successful at it. See friend, this part of the article is not groundbreaking. I'm just reminding you, "Hey, remember when you didn't do something well but now you do? Well, anything you want to do well now but aren't so red hot at is just the same experience repeated."

You've got all the resources in you to do it. This is undeniably true. You've been less-than-excellent in the past and now you are excellent at something. You learned one skill which means you can do it again, now. And I do mean right now! Not tomorrow, not the next day. Now, now, now, now. You get the drift of what I'm saying, don't you?

"HELP"
So after you get up and running, you may run into snags. Snags are obstacles you meet on your journey to success. Still, I commend you for using the first word "start" to get rolling. Now here comes the second most important word to your personal development ever. Are you ready? It is "help". Help, to me, is a near magical word. You can summon others to help you achieve what you want.

Ask for help early and often. For whatever you want to do, achieve, or solve, there is someone or something out there who not only knows how to help you but who WANTS to help you too! They may have already handled this challenge you're facing. Stubborn pride cost me a lot because I wouldn't ask for help from others in the past. I thought I had to do it all alone. Meanwhile, I wasted time fumbling around while another person could have immediately helped me.

Any worthwhile pursuit will have snags along the way. So get help when you find them. Defeat the snag and move on to bigger and better things. And when you get help, pass along your expertise too to others so that everyone benefits.

There you go. 'Start' and 'help' are the two words that will put you on the path to achieving your every goal and living the life of your dreams.

Congratulations. As you imagine leading your dream lifestyle, you can picture it now so clearly, and tell yourself inside how great a job you did, as you feel wonderful with this powerful sense of achievement...you can remind yourself that you did it because you got started and you asked for help along the way.

Kent Sayre is an author of "Unstoppable Confidence".

Five Ways to Beat Stress

By Samantha Ettus
New York Times

Though relaxation is often considered a luxury, there is increasing scientific evidence that it is at least as important as exercise in maintaining good health. These are the steps:

1. BREATHE: Deep breathing helps prevent and relieve harmful reactions to stress. Even when you can't control the situation, you can control your breathing, thus changing your reaction to unpleasant circumstances. Deep breathing can be done any time, and practice makes it more effective.

Because exhaling is the most relaxing phase of breathing, take longer to exhale than to inhale. Take twice as long to exhale as to inhale when you're feeling stressed.

2. MEDITATE: Meditation is the practice of focusing your awareness. Even a few minutes a day can bring benefits. When you meditate, a number of desirable things begin to happen:

# When you focus your awareness, you concentrate better and thus perform better and accomplish more.

# Desirable changes occur in your body as you experience a profound state of relaxation, including decreased blood pressure, a slower heart rate and clearer thinking.

# Meditation can enhance your senses. Consider: When you pay attention to what you eat, you may need less food yet enjoy it more fully.

# Your mind quiets down. You experience an inner peace and can be relaxed in the midst of busy activity. When you realize that your peace comes from within, it can be profoundly empowering.

3. FOCUS: Types of meditation are found in many cultures. Certain principles are universal:

# In most forms of meditation, you repeat a sound, a phrase or a verse from a prayer. Or you can simply observe your breathing.

# Certain sounds and words are very soothing. They often mean "peace'' -- for example, words such as "shalom'' and "salaam.'' If you are more comfortable with a secular meditation, you can repeat the word "one.'' Humming sounds are very peaceful. They usually begin with an "oh'' or an "ah'' sound and end with an "M'' or an "N.''

# Meditation is easy to learn but difficult to master. A wandering mind is part of the process. When you become aware that your mind is wandering, gently bring it back without berating yourself. With practice, your mind will wander less.

4. PRACTICE: Consistency is more important than duration. Even a minute has benefits because, on a subconscious level, you continue meditating throughout the day.

5. MINDFULNESS: Observe whatever comes up each moment without judgment or getting caught up in the emotion. Eventually your life becomes a continual meditation, and you remain relaxed even in the busiest circumstances.

Adapted from the book "The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do,'' by Samantha Ettus.

Source: New York Times

HE CALLS ME MAMA

By Kathleene S. Baker

When playtime rolls around, Chance Armstrong prefers painting far and above any toys or other activities. At two years of age, he recently had his first art exhibit at City Arts in Wichita, Kansas. With the proceeds, he and his single mother aim for a noteworthy goal-earning enough that Chance can enroll in Dolphin Therapy in Florida. Said therapy has proven to be quite beneficial for children with special needs, but it is costly.

Chance was named before his birth not knowing how fitting it would be. Born after only 28 weeks of gestation, Chance faced the grim possibility of not surviving-as did his mother. When preeclampsia struck, their fate rested in the hands of God.

Mom remained in intensive care for 10 anxiety-ridden days while her tiny son struggled to live. After three months in Neonatal Intensive Care the very fragile infant went home, but each day that passed was filled with uncertainty. The doctors had been straightforward about Chance's future. He faced the probability of numerous health problems: mental retardation, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, and cystic fibrosis, to name only a few. Soon, two additional obstacles were thrown in his path-the need for kidney and heart surgery. Inexplicably, Change dodged all of these maladies!

Chance keeps a hectic schedule with various physical therapy appointments-a total of seven each week. Visits with his doctors are all too frequent. After being told he would never crawl, he does crawl, even though he lags behind others his age. His vocabulary is limited but continues to grow. When I last saw Chance he was giving high fives like they were going out of style! With this little boy's determination and progress to date, hopes are high for all he is yet to achieve. Despite the monumental challenges that have been encountered thus far, Chance fills his mom's life with love, light and joy.

**********

What makes finger painting (and sometimes toes) so stimulating to this youngster? Is it the slick feel of the paint or is he intrigued with color? Is it both? Even though he has not yet learned his colors, Mom can now decipher which one he is asking for; he is quite finicky about which hues go into each design he produces. They've spent countless hours creating works of art and have developed a system that works seamlessly. Chance giggles and his bright eyes dance with every new masterpiece, and he only stops when Mom says it's bath time. Each art session leaves him smeared and smudged-sporting a rainbow of colors from head to toe, a near duplicate of the canvas just completed. And, Mom doesn't fare much better!

When being interviewed before the art exhibit, Mom made a beautiful statement about her son: Many people go their entire lifetime without ever meeting one of their heroes; I am truly blessed and honored that my hero calls me mama!

Will Chance one day become a famous artist? Only time will tell, but his work is inspiring. It can be viewed on his very own web site: www.loveofchance.com

City Arts deserves a huge thank you for their efforts in assisting this young fellow with his
goal.dolphin therapy.



ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kathy was born and raised in the small town of Augusta, Kansas, a few miles outside of Wichita. She married a native Texan, Jerry, in 1977 and was soon transplanted to Dallas. A large city offers many things, but she misses the slower pace of small town America. Kathy has two stepchildren and four grandchildren. Pets have always played a huge part in her life. In fact, they were her inspiration to begin writing. Kathy's website can be viewed at: YELLOW ROSE (www.txyellowrose.com) or she can be contacted at Lnstrlady@aol.com

A Sporting Gesture Touches ’Em All

here's an inspiring read! may there be more people like these

Sports of The Times
A Sporting Gesture Touches ’Em All

By GEORGE VECSEY
Published: April 30, 2008

Something remarkable happened in a college softball game last Saturday in Ellensburg, Wash. At least, I am conditioned to think it was remarkable, since it involved an act of sportsmanship, with two players helping an injured opponent complete the home run she had just slugged.

Click this to read on.....