Just for Laughs: Lawyer Bloopers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: When is your birthday?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only
three hairs on her head.

Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today?'
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head

'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair
down the middle today?' So she did and she
had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair
in a pony tail.' So she did and she had a fun, fun
day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and
noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YEA!' she exclaimed, 'I don't have to fix my hair
today!'

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary,for everyone you meet is
fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,

Love generously,

Care deeply,

Speak kindly.......

Leave the rest to God

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

A Creed for Self-Discipline

Willpower:
Recognizing that the power of will is the supreme court over all other departments of my mind, I will exercise it daily, when I need the urge to action for any purpose; and I will form habits designed to bring the power of my will into action at least once daily.

Emotions:
Realizing that my emotions are both positive and negative I will form daily habits which will encourage the development of the positive emotions, and aid me in converting the negative emotions into some form of useful action.

Reason:
Recognizing that both my positive emotions and my negative emotions may be dangerous if they are not controlled and guided to desirable ends, I will submit all my desires, aims and purposes to my faculty of reason, and I will be guided by it in giving expression to these.

Imagination:
Recognizing the need for sound plans and ideas for the attainment of my desires, I will develop my imagination by calling upon it daily for help in the formation of my plans.

Conscience:
Recognizing that my emotions often err in their over-enthusiasm, and my faculty of reason often is without the warmth of feeling that is necessary to enable me to combine justice with mercy in my judgments, I will encourage my conscience to guide me as to what is right and what is wrong, but I will never set aside the verdicts it renders, no matter what may be the cost of carrying them out.

Memory:
Recognizing the value of an alert memory, I will encourage mine to become alert by taking care to impress it clearly with all thoughts I wish to recall, and by associating those thoughts with related subjects which I may call to mind frequently.

Subconscious Mind:
Recognizing the influence of my subconscious mind over my power of will, I shall take care to submit to it a clear and definite picture of my major purpose in life and all minor purposes leading to my major purpose, and I shall keep this picture constantly before my subconscious mind by repeating it daily.

Signed_____________________________

Discipline over the mind is gained, little by little, by the formation of habits which one may control. Habits begin in the mind; therefore, a daily repetition of this creed will make one habit-conscious in connection with the particular kind of habits which are needed to develop and control the six departments of the mind.

The mere act of repeating the names of these departments has an important effect. It makes one conscious that these departments exist; that they are important; that they can be controlled by the formation of thought-habits; that the nature of these habits determines one's success or failure in the matter of self-discipline

Napoleon Hill
Excerpt from The Master-Key To Riches

HOW WE TREAT PEOPLE

Five lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.

1. First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last
question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. Second Important Lesson - Pick-up in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night.

The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others,"

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3. Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee
shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of > water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his > pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a
table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The
little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he
couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4. Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacles in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see
if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.

Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting
the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the
gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5. Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz
who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if
it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give
his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

From a forwarded e-mail.

Not Just a Mom

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a..."Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Motherhood...What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

~ Author Unknown

Don't forget the Research Associate in your life.

Coffee and Cups

This really is profound, I am going to try and keep this in mind the next time I feel "stressed" . . .
-----------------------------------

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment t of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . Enjoy your coffee!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

Have a blessed day and enjoy your coffee!

from a forwarded email

The Blind Man

I read this again today and it just hit me square in the face. Words ARE powerful. Think about HOW you are speaking. Are you getting what you want? Why not? Think about it ... and empower yourself!

----------------------------------

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building
with a hat by his feet and a sign that read:
"I am blind, please help."

A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe.
He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat.
He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission,
took the sign and rewrote it.

He returned the sign to the blind man and left.
That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed
that his hat was full of bills and coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked
if it was he who had rewritten his sign
and wanted to know what he had written on it.

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."

--------------------------------------

Sometimes we need to change our strategy. If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always gotten.

And remember too, sometimes it's not WHAT we say; it's HOW we say it!!

You are what you believe. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!


Comments by:

Lisa Leguenec of
goals-2-go.com

A TOUCHING STORY!

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat Disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible? and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse,

Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for...

IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKED THAT WAY! ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO ATTACHMENTS!

From a forwarded email

Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are :

I love you, Sorry and help me

The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.

From a forwarded email

My C Saga

By Pam Baker Robbin

Four years ago I was starting my journey into what I named my "C Saga". I had gone for my annual mammogram when the Doctor came in (always a bad sign) and said something was there that wasn't the year before. Immediately he followed up with an ultra sound and the rest is history.

I never asked "why me?" rather "why not me?" In my lifetime I have known over 20 women and 1 man who have had breast cancer. I learned from their bravery, treatments, and attitudes to deal with it aggressively and with a positive approach. And my friend God had promised that he would never give me more that I could handle.

As with most marriages of 35 years, my husband and I had been through many challenges but we knew that this was by far our biggest. I found out later that we did "things" differently than most breast cancer patients. One example was that we put together a team of friends and medical professionals. We actually interviewed our doctors and if they didn't fit our standards they were crossed off the list. When we interviewed our oncologist surgeon we went with 4 pages of questions. He said later he wished more people would prepare and investigate-it would help him and them as they worked through the process. We also took a third person with us to doctor appointments. A third person hears things and asks questions that those who are so personally involved will won't.

Our family and friends held us together through the journey. One of the things I learned was to accept their help-not an easy task for someone who use to present programs on being a Super Woman. Again, the Lord reminded me that I wasn't in charge.

Many times people wanted to help but didn't know what to do or say. We were very open about my surgery and treatments. I set up an e-mail group giving reports on my status as well as things I learned along the way. The network quickly grew as people asked to be included. The e-mail group became a journal of the process and gave people information straight from me.

Others things that people did to support our family included the always welcome cards, flowers, food, and visits. Other deeds of kindness included: A friend finished an inside painting job I had started; a nurse friend gave me shots during chemo; one breast cancer survivor whom I had never met sent me a small gift weekly; another breast cancer patient went with us on my first chemo visit to "show us the ropes." Two friends surprised me with a beautiful friendship quilt made up of messages from family and friends. It went with me to all chemo sessions and gave me strength and hope to deal with the many unknowns.

One thing that still surprises me was the many people praying. People from all over the country and world of all faiths prayed for me. Many of my e-mail buddies sent prayer requests out and even to this day I hear from people "checking-in" or requesting information for someone that has been diagnosed.

My advice to women is to get your annual mammogram-yes, it is uncomfortable but it can save your life as early detection is the best prevention. Secondly, if diagnosed, remember that YOUR cancer and you are unique. It is not like Aunt Betty's or your Mother's neighbor. As difficult as it may sound, try to keep your sense of humor. When my oncologist told me that I would definitely have a new "hair due", I responded that I was always ready for a new one! Lastly, and most importantly, accept help and ask for prayer.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Pam Baker Robbins grew up on Tater Road between Punkin Center and Leipsic. A Southern Indiana farm girl, she was raised on the values of a WW II B-17 pilot and a Texas transplant that you work and then play. A graduate of Oklahoma State University with both a Bachelor and Master of Science degree. She returned to Indiana to work 31 years for Purdue University Cooperative Extension Service. After retirement she and a colleague established PeopleWork Associates a company which focuses on education and training for organizations and companies.

She married Paul Robbins in 1968 and they are the parents of 2 daughters, Paige Robbins Elwafi, a music therapist living in Cincinnati, OH with husband Miloud Elwafi, and Piper, a photography student in San Francisco, California.

Pam was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 and continues to follow her parents philosophy of work and then play but adds ... to live each day at it's fullest. Pam can be reached at probbins@wcrtc.net

Promise Yourself

by C.D. Larson
"Your Forces and How to Use Them"

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind;

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet;

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them;

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your
optimism come true;

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect
only the best;

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are
about your own;

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievements of the future;

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living
creature you meet a smile;

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have
no time to criticize others;

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear;
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble;

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words, but in great deeds;

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long
as you are true to the best that is in you.

The Main Causes of Liver Damage

1. Sleeping too late and waking up too late are the main
cause.

2. Not urinating in the morning.

3. Too much eating.

4. Skipping breakfast.

5. Consuming too much medication.

6. Consuming too much preservatives, additives,
food coloring, and artificial sweetener.

7. Consuming unhealthy cooking oil. As much as
possible reduce cooking oil use when frying, which
includes even the best cooking oils like olive oil.
Do not consume fried foods when you are tired,
except if the body is very fit.

8. Consuming raw (overly done) foods also add to the
burden of liver. Veggies should be eaten raw or
cooked 3-5 parts. Fried veggies should be finished
in one sitting, do not store.


We should prevent this without necessarily spending
more. We just have to adopt good daily lifestyle and
eating habits. Maintaining good eating habits and time
conditioning are very important for our bodies to absorb
and get rid of unnecessary chemicals according to
"schedule."

Because:

Evening at 9 - 11pm: is the time for eliminating
unnecessary/toxic chemicals (detoxification) from
the antibody system (lymph nodes). This time duration
should be spent by relaxing or listening to music. If
during this time a housewife is still in an unrelaxed
state such as washing the dishes or monitoring
children doing their homework, this will have a
negative impact on health.

Evening at 11pm - 1am: is the detoxification process
in the liver, and ideally should be done in a deep
sleep state.

Early morning 1 - 3am: detoxification process in the
gall, also ideally done in a deep sleep state.

Early morning 3 - 5am: detoxification in the lungs.
Therefore there will sometimes be a severe cough for
cough sufferers during this time. Since the
detoxification process had reached the respiratory
tract, there is no need to take cough medicine so as
not to interfere with toxin removal process.

Morning 5 - 7am: detoxification in the colon, you
should empty your bowel.

Morning 7 - 9am: absorption of nutrients in the small
intestine, you should be having breakfast at this
time. Breakfast should be earlier, before 6:30am, for
those who are sick. Breakfast before 7:30am is very
beneficial to those wanting to stay fit. Those who
always skip breakfast, they should change their
habits, and it is still better to eat breakfast
late until 9 - 10am rather than no
meal at all.

Sleeping so late and waking up too late will disrupt
the process of removing unnecessary chemicals. Aside
from that, midnight to 4:00am is the time when the
bone marrow produces blood. Therefore, have a good
sleep and don't sleep late.

The best use of life is love. The best expression of
love is time. The best time to love is now.

TOP 10 BIGGEST BRAIN DAMAGING HABITS

1. No Breakfast
People who do not take breakfast are going to have a
lower blood sugar level. This leads to an insufficient
supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain
degeneration.

2. Overeating
It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to
a decrease in mental power.

3. Smoking
It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to
Alzheimer disease.

4. High Sugar consumption
Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of
proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and
may interfere with brain development.

5. Air Pollution
The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our body.
Inhaling polluted air decreases the supply of oxygen
to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain
efficiency.

6. Sleep Deprivation
Sleep allows our brain to rest. Long term deprivation
from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells.

7. Head covered while sleeping
Sleeping with the head covered, increases the
concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease
concentration of oxygen that may lead to
brain damaging effects.

8. Working your brain during illness
Working hard or studying when sick may lead to a
decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as
damage the brain.

9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts
Thinking is the best way to train our brain,
lacking in brain stimulating thoughts
may cause brain shrinkage.

10. Talking Rarely
Intellectual conversations will promote
the efficiency of the brain

Is Your Desire to Serve a Calling or a Craving?

By Donna Zajonc

In public life, there is a thin line between the calling to
serve and the craving to serve. Some of my clients report
such a strong need to serve that it becomes a "craving," a
kissing cousin to addiction. Those of us dedicated to public
service sometimes confuse our desire to serve with a belief
that we are "supposed" to serve." Our offering of service is
then a craving rather than a calling.

A calling is a desire to give. A craving is a desire to get.
A calling is our opportunity to share our unique contributions
and blessings with others. A craving is a fear that there is
"not enough," a hole that we must fill. A calling arises
naturally from our sense of completeness. A craving is a need
to get because we are incomplete.

A calling is a conscious awareness of our wholeness, spurring
us to acts of spontaneous generosity. We know that by responding
to our personal calling, by sharing our gifts in full, we
encourage others to reveal their own greatness. Conversely, a
craving is a nagging sense of lack, an unconscious reaction to
an imagined deficit that demands to be overcome.

If we as public servants live with a craving to serve, we are
in the grip many of the destructive byproducts of addiction may
arise in us: fear, manipulation, control, anger, jealousy and
excessive pride—the hallmarks of self-defeating behavior. Housing
such toxic emotions, we become unable to listen to others. Our
political approach turns mean-spirited as our cravings gradually
begin to run our lives for us. We may become so delusional that
we believe we are "destined to serve," and that someone on high
has anointed our time in office. Our grandiosity grows, and we
move into a full, self-centered power grab—but all in the name
of serving the people!

The seductive nature of public life, whether in the corporate
world or in the arenas of sports and entertainment, our cravings
may be fed by hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. Hovering
lobbyists, persons of privilege bidding for our attention, adoring
staff, as well as plenty of alcohol and other drugs, all combine
to make the public leader's life fertile ground for cravings and
addictions.

Even healthy people, who enter public life with their cravings
under control, often find that its pressures and temptations tend
to magnify their cravings, sometimes even igniting full-blown
addictions. As the cycle of need unfolds, we work desperately to
retain our power, doing whatever it takes to ensure our re-election
or maintaining our powerful public position. Before we know it,
we're living an unconscious, mostly unfulfilling life grounded in
selfish desires rather than higher motives.

When we are called to service we become aware of our passions and
our actions unfold with ease and joy. Colossal tasks become simple.
We glow with excitement that attracts others to join our vision.
By relinquishing attachments that feed our cravings we surrender to
higher motives---therein lies the true satisfaction of living our
calling!

If you are in public service position now, take time to ask yourself
whether you are leading from a place of wholeness or incompleteness.
Do you need the adoration of voters or the fame that may come from
public life? Only you know your true motivations and what is
underneath your desire to serve.

During this 2008 election cycle, listen carefully to the language
and motivations of those running for office. As you listen, attempt
to distinguish between whether their desire to serve is a calling or
a craving. Let's all hope and pray that more leaders are stepping
forward who see their time in public life as a true calling.

"Have you noticed a theme during this 2008 Presidential
election? Senator Obama is winning with a message of
hope and inspiration and that we must have a new kind
of politics in America. Governor Huckebee stated in
his Iowa acceptance speech that political leaders must
move from "Me to We" which was the title of my September,
2006 newsletter. The source of my hopeful attitude about
the future of politics has relied on the awakening of
citizens who are fed up with the politics of fear and
destruction. The new era of political leadership has begun!"
~Donna Zajonc

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely
made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently
on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her
piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be
very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much >older than I,
she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a >cure for AIDS so Joan can
get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,


John



PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Please call when it is safe for
me to come home.

A Poem: Believe in Yourself

Believe In Yourself
And in your dream
though impossible
things may seem,
Someday, somehow you'll get through to
the goal you have in view.

Mountains fall and
seas divide before
the one who in his stride
Takes a hard road
day by day
sweeping obstacles away.

Believe in yourself
and in your plan.
Say not - I cannot but, I can.

The prizes of life we
fail to win, Because we doubt the
power within.

What Love is.

By 4-8 year old children

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,". Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

40 Tips for an Exceptional, Superb & Powerful Life!

These are really very powerful. Implement whatever you can.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a VCR, tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to ___________ today."

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did last year.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince & dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie (not you guys). Don't save it for a special occasion.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28.What other people think of you is none of your business.

29.Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34.The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for______. Today I accomplished______."

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more. And may nothing but happiness come through your door!

Don't Quit

Author Unknown

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Speech by Pulitzer Prize winner Anna Quindlen

"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two - your life and your work. You will
walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one
else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your
same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you
want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive
who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your
entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus,
or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind,
but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also
your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so
much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a
resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're
sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test
results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume:
I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let
my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer
consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried
to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to
my friends and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing
to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out.
But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch.
I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other
things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is
all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today:
Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next
promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you
think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew
an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water
pushing itself on a breeze at the seaside, a life in which
you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the
water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she
tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love,
and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it
is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter.
Get a life in which you are generous. And realize that life
is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking
it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you
want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on
beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do
not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and
our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of
ours, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and
disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead
of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the
journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a
dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.
I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give
some of it back because I believed in it, completely and
utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others
what I had learned. By telling them this:
Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's
ear.Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to
be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to
be lived"